November 1st, 2016. A date I will always remember as it is the third worst day of my life.
I laid in bed trying to sleep with anger, heartbreak and panic in my heart. This was the kind of feeling that many have gone through. The most prominent in my mind at the moment was Lorena Bobbitt. Sleeping when your mind is racing doesn't work. With my life unfolding in new and horrible ways, my brain would not shut up.
Eventually, my mind turned toward my unit. This was a safe place to rest my thoughts. One of the main points of my unit is that I'm going to help students learn how to cope with life changes through writing. Yet, here I was being a hypocrite. So, I started to write.
"How am I going to explain this to people? It's embarrassing. I'm ashamed." So I started to write ways to explain the situation. My favorite is: "My husband and I had a miscommunication. I was under the impression we were married. He thought we were seeing other people." The last thing I wrote before I went to sleep was my game plan for the next day. It wasn't a lesson plan, it was a plan to smile. Exhausted, I was awake writing until my brain finally shut down almost against my wishes.
November 2nd. Eyes puffed with emotion, smile painted on and heart filled with as much despair as hope, I walked into the school where I teach. I turned around in the entryway and walked back outside. I breathed again and went back inside. Today was my evaluation. Today, I needed to calm down and do my job.
This whole situation got me thinking about self care and how to balance work, life and emotion. The three are commonly at odds, but as professionals, we have to balance it all. I scoured the internet for articles and things such as this. You know what I found? Nothing. Not a darn thing. Everything about educators and students and emotions is based on the student's needs. I think the lack of information in this case, is because teaching isn't about us. Teaching is about our students.
I'm proud to say that I survived that day and the 20 since. I have managed to keep my emotions at bay while in the classroom. It is possible. I did find this article on balancing one's emotions. There are some important tips to making one healthy emotionally:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/some-assembly-required/201410/moving-toward-emotional-balance
Though writing hasn't healed me yet. (This will be a process.) I will heal and it will be a contributing factor. In the mean time, I will smile through it.
Rene, I really like your honesty and emotion in this post. I also use writing to process through and to let out emotion. It's so bad sometimes that I hope whomever I'm writing about never stumbles upon it. I find that writing strengths the psyche and nourishes the soul. Thank you so much for your post and your research to back it up.
ReplyDeleteI keep my notebook next to my bed. Noone has ever looked. Writing definitely nourishes the soul! Thank you for your thoughts.
DeleteI am so sorry for the pain and heartbreak you are going through, Rene. I'm glad you have found one way to work through it. May I suggest that you continue to seek out healthy routines and practices that will aid the healing process? I hope you can find someone you trust to talk to, if not a therapist, perhaps a wise friend who knows to listen more than they talk.
ReplyDeleteI think it is important to remind yourself that you are not alone. A lot of the shame we experience comes from feeling that everyone else has it together when we don't. While you want to keep it together in front of students, I think it's important to allow students to see in appropriate ways and at appropriate times that you are human, you have problems, and you do not know all the answers BUT that you can work through life's disappointments and predicaments with a very nice toolbox of skills such as creative and expressive writing, logic, planning (baby steps, big steps, and back to business plans), and re-framing. Fortunately for your students, you are there to help them build and strengthen their own life tool boxes!
I think it is very helpful to think of our lives like a story that we are continually writing. The plot may make some unexpected twists. Sometimes we lose characters we've grown attached to or even dependent upon. The end is never pre-written for us, though. Each sentence, paragraph, page, and chapter is a chance for a transition. Although we may not be able to control all the elements of our stories, as authors, we can determine how they will affect us, what our responses will be, how much weight we will give to our past or present, and what direction we will take toward our future. The courses of our lives depend upon the stories we tell ourselves, so we must teach ourselves and our students to choose those stories carefully and write them well. <3
Thank you so much, Jenni, I do have an amazing support system. I am leaning on them heavily right now. I love your life analogy. That is all so true.
DeleteThank you for sharing this and being so incredibly candid. I love the way you were able to express raw emotion and then rein it in as you wrote this---mirroring exactly what you did as you entered school that day. I'm interested in your lesson and how you were able to teach the students to write through their own emotions. Please share if you have a chance! Again, thank you for your honesty and vulnerability in this post!
ReplyDeleteRene, this is a really powerful post. I think you've really hit on something when you say that a lot of the resources available to us as teachers are about the students' needs, not the teachers'. I think it's awesome that your post is out there now, and maybe someone else who needs some help can stumble upon this. I've always admired you for many things, but I cannot say how strong I think you are for going through that door. I agree with Jenni's analogy of life being like a story we write. Whenever I run into a hard decision or circumstance, I sometimes think "If I was a character in a novel I love, what would I hope that character does now?", and it helps guide me in a good direction. You rock. Thank you for sharing this post.
ReplyDeleteRene, you are so strong! It is not easy at all to hold back emotions, especially when you're in front of people all day! I admire your ability to put it all aside and teach for the kids. I think this is something ALL of us will have to deal with. I think your idea for writing out your emotions and thoughts is a very good way to cope with your emotions. This post reminded me of how important it is to allow students the opportunity to write out how they feel as well, you never know what everyone else is going through. Rene, I hope you the very best. I know you will come through this stronger and more confident. You are not alone!
ReplyDeleteLike your classmates, I am awed by your strength and determination, Rene. Thank you for sharing this journey with us. We are here for you--to listen and to cheer you on. You got this.
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